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PRACTICAL, SHARP, ECCENTRIC AND HUMOROUS, 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS! 



SIMOX M. LATOIS, M.D.,D.D., 

THE PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIAN. 



Written during his confinement in the Philadelphia County Prison 
for Publishing his Great Scientific Physiological Book, 

ENTITLED 

"THE SECRETS OF GENERATION." 



m~ Editors are welcome to quote these « Thoughts" 
by crediting them to Dr. Landis. 



w OF 

PYRiGHT^S 



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nvt£ 



PUBLISHED BY 
"LANDIS PUBLISHING SOCIETY> [9>< 



PHILADELPHIA, PA. 

1S72. 



\J 7 ? 3 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S72, by 

SIMON M. LAXDIS, M.D., D.D., 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, a,t Washington, D. C. 



PREFACE. 



Dr. S. M. Landis, the founder of the 
Progressive Christian Church of Philadel- 
phia, was arrested, given a mock trial, and 
imprisoned by the Pharisees for his Religious 
Innovations, as will be seen by carefully pe- 
rusing his " Prison- Life Thoughts." 

Land is says that the " Church of God/ 7 
as established by Christ, consists of all the 
" wonderful works " and fixed laws of the 
Creator — all of which have been created for 
man's Generation and Regeneration. There- 
fore, to become scientific, bond fide, practical, 
live Christians, we must learn and live out 
the infallible laws of Generation and Regen- 



4 PREFACE. 

eration ; thus, we have the key to the king- 
dom of heaven, and by becoming practical 
observers of the laws of Generation, and laws 
of " Healing," or Growing, or Regeneration, 
we shall improve the human race, who will 
thereby re-inherit sound bodies and sound 
minds or souls ; causing man to again become 
the " Temple of God," undefiled ; when the 
" Image of God," or image of perfection, will 
be enthroned, and man will hold pre-eminence 
over the brute creation, giving him dominion 
over every beast, and over the brutal desires 
of a degenerate humanity ; when the Spirit 
of God will intuitively manifest itself to all 
rational creatures, and His will be done here 
in earth as it is there in heaven ! 

"Prison-Life Thoughts " were written dur- 
ing Landis' solitary confinement in Moya- 
mensing Prison, at Philadelphia, Pa. He 



PREFACE. 5 

entered the Prison Jan. 22, 1870, and was 
pardoned and exonerated by Governor John 
W. Geary, May 19, 1810, making his con- 
finement four months all but four days. 



From the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin, 

(from harrisbtjrg, pa.) 
THE PARDON OF DR. LANDIS. 
Harrisburg, May 19. The following is 
the substance of the pardon just issued to 
Dr. S. M. Landis, of Philadelphia, sentenced 
to one year's imprisonment for the publica- 
tion of obscene books. 

"And whereas : It has been made known 
to me by sundry communications, now on 
file in the office of the Secretary of the Com- 
monwealth, that the book published and sold 
by the said Simon M. Landis was a medical 
work, written by himself for the purpose of 
benefiting the community, and not with the 
intention, or for the purpose of corrupting 
or subverting the morals of any one," etc. 
1* 



6 PREFACE. 

The prosecutors and persecutors of Landis, 
we think, felt as though they were doing God's 
service to get him out of their way ; because 
he was a thorn in their pious sides for many 
years, boldly and fearlessly having taught 
as one having authority. In fact, Landis is 
about one hundred years ahead of the age 
in which he lives ; therefore, neither the pro- 
secutors nor persecutors were capable of 
comprehending his scientific reformatory 
movements ; hence, they should rather be 
pitied, than punished for their ignorance and 
arrogance ! 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 



Whenever I want to carry out the 
Christian mandate : " Love thy neighbor as 
thyself," some rude gossiper howls out, 
"Landis is making love to Mrs. Williams." 
I wish other people would mind their own 
business ! 

I am indeed sorry to proclaim it, but it is 
nevertheless as true as preaching, that the fil- 
thiest eaters, drinkers and snifflers claim the 
most refinement and modesty. They being 
soiled, require some acts to show that they are 
not as dirty as they seem ; hence, this turning 
up of noses at natural things. 



Whenever a person shoves his piety 
into my face in a business transaction, I al- 
ways, in such cases, come out better by vehe- 

7 



8 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

mently clutching my pocket book until he 
is gone out of sight. 



If wives want to retain the love of their 
husbands, let them learn to cook and act 
healthfully, keeping "growed-up," instead 
of made-up, in bodily charms, when the 
magnetic attraction will rivet them together 
as one, indivisible flesh ! 



Now-a-days a man is " made" (no matter 
how he lives,) when he has grown old, ugly, 
and selfish enough to possess more than his 
share of this world's goods — when his purse 
is heavier than his brains — and with this tin 
reputation he can wheedle an influence, and 
command a respectability that must be nau- 
seating to the Almighty himself. It was the 
power of this metallic conscience that sent 
me to prison for telling such jolly truths. 
But, as the Dutchman says, " We are a great 
peoples ! " 

I rather think it is an advantage to be in 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 9 

this prison cell whilst these "hard times" 
last; because, here one is a king, who is 
clothed, fed, and tutored without bothering 
about board, tax and rents coming due. I 
think I will write another book on " Secret " 
matters when I get out, so I may be re-in- 
stalled into my old quarters, because " hard 
times " will last as long as blackmailing and 
political didoes predominate over sound sense 
and Christianity ! 



I always feel more like praising God when 
I get close to an innocent, natural, beautiful 
woman ; there seems io be a peculiar some- 
thing in this part of God's work that trans- 
ports one to the loftier realms ! Dear ladies, 
I advise you to keep your flesh, nerves, bones 
and blood clean, by freely using pure air, 
pure water, pure food, and I assure you, 
you will not neglect or miss the balance of 
the real needs and graces which draw one 
toward you in spite of oneself. 



Solid and fully developed nerves, flesh, 



10 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

and bones are a trinity in the human race 
that outweighs all the gold, glitter, and pet- 
rifying or pickling panaceas on the conti- 
nent. Try it on and see. 



I never fancied hotel boarding, and, espe- 
cially not this kind, which we guests of the 
Commonwealth Hot-hell (hotel) get. It is 
so monotonous-like, and jerked to a fellow, 
so kind of rudely, through an iron clapper, 
that it turns the coat of one's stomach, which 
I hold as being unphysiological. 



AVhen the next prayer meeting is held, I 
wish my persecutors would pray for my re- 
lease from prison, and act upon it, and have 
me pardoned; if they will do this much for 
me, I will try my best to smoke, chew, and 
snuff tobacco ; eat grease by the pound, and 
drink strong tea, coffee, w T ine, and schnapps 
of all sorts; besides swallow some drugs 
when sick, and pray God to be delivered 
from the bad effects of this whole catalogue 
of defiling poisons ; with this one considera- 



PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 11 

tion, that if my system cannot endure the 
brunt of this pious revelry, and I flap back 
into my old habits, that they will not arrest 
nor imprison me again for this same offence ! 



If money-hoarding persons could see 
themselves as God sees them, they would 
never want to own more than their share ; 
although they might divide with the poor 
(who are either too noble and generous- 
minded or reckless to hold on to lucre), and 
when it came around to their hands again, 
divide again. Does not God carry on His 
work in one continual handing around of 
blessings, upon all alike? Intemperate 
lucre worshippers, please, soberly chew, 
think, and sleep over this kind of Progres- 
sive Christian lore ! 



You may exterminate me, but you cannot 
kill my sound logic ; probably, that is what 
rouses your ire. If it is, please remember 
that truth is as valuable to you and yours, 
as to me and mine ; why then make an ape 
of yourself ? 



12 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

When public officials use their offices to 
show off their piety and expertness, it is 
time they were impeached by the people ; 
otherwise, no one knows when he will get 
his neck into the mouse-trap, and be made 
sport of, as I was when before an honorable 
Court, which was surrounded by sots, pimps, 
moral game-makers (gamblers), and hypo- 
critical cut-throats. 



Truth w T hen sent up in a skyrocket does 
not angle around error and pesty insects, but 
it shoots straight through vice and assimi- 
lates w r ith virtue. I am always sorry when 
any one acknowledges to be shot through 
by it; because, it is an open confession of 
sinfulness. Still, it is no vice to confess 
your sins, if by so doing you improve in 
future hours. 

With small minds habit makes law ; but 
with God law is that which is infallible. 
God made laws, and men violate them ; 
but men cannot make laws that God vio- 



PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 13 

lates, the chief acts of the pharisee notwith- 
standing. 

Laziness breeds worms in living flesh, 
and causes the skin to look too dead or too 
live. It is to the flesh of man, what calm 
weather is to the stagnant pool of water. 



That President of a nation, or Governor 
of a Commonwealth, who will not pardon 
an innocent convict, when he knows such 
to be the case, is not fit to fill his position ; 
or, if he pardons a guilty convict for money 
or influence, is a contemptible lout. Such 
men should be heroic and competent leaders, 
protectors, and instructors to their people, 
instead of knucklers and imbeciles ! 



More serious attention is given to breed- 
ing good stock of horses, cows, hogs, fish, 
dogs, and cats, than to the generation of a 
pure-blooded, solid, and sound race of human 
beings ; no wonder our Republic is crumb- 
ling to pieces ; but, you say it is not. I how- 
2 



14 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

ever insist that it is the meanest monarchy 
on earth, — -filthy lucre monarchy — everything 
is sold and bought, from a sucking pig to 
the highest office of the nation. Fixed law 
is a fraud. 

I hope I hate the ways of the Pharisees 
as much as did Jesus, who pronounced eight 
most terrible woes upon them. No one can 
be a decent man, or follower of Christ, who 
does not despise the ways of these pesty 
vipers. 

Slang phrases should not be used, except 
a good can be accomplished by them. A 
Christian will use anything, even himself in 
sacrifice, to do good to the many ! I have 
often chained the attention of hardened world- 
lings by slang language, and by so doing have 
converted them to truth, nature, and Jesus 
Christ — fashionable, thin-skinned, modern 
piety to the contrary notwithstanding. 



TiiEPvE has been great howling inihis city 



PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 15 

(Philadelphia), about the vulgarity and in- 
decency of the language I used in my pri- 
vate physiological lectures to the sexes alone, 
which I delivered for many years regularly ; 
but, those who opened their mouths so rude- 
ly against me, probably were not any too 
pure or wise themselves, or they would not 
have been harmed, hurt, nor been canvas- 
sing hearsay around grocery and beer shops. 
I alone knew what was best for me to use in 
my efforts to instruct the people in God's 
fixed laws of human nature. 

For example — one evening as my lecture 
room was well filled with an intelligent and 
refined audience of gentlemen, just before I 
commenced to speak, six very rough-looking 
fellows — real cut-throats — entered, and the 
only empty seats were directly in front of 
me. I at once made up my mind that these 
men, of the whole crowd, most needed sa- 
ving ; and, therefore, my whole aim was to 
get their attention to my remarks, and to do_ 
this, I knew I had to tell some awful vulgar 
6tories, being aware that good moral audi- 



16 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

tors would not be harmed by anything I 
might say, but these cut-throats might be 
wheedled by giving them assimilable matter 
interspersed with holy truths., When I 
rose juo speak, three of my men's heads had 
already bobbed down unto the backs of the 
seats in front of them, apparently stupefied 
by the rum in their heads, or asleep. In a 
clear and jovial manner I began : " Gentle- 
men, the hour has arrived for the commence- 
ment of the lecture, but before entering upon 
my theme, let me tell you a somewhat vul- 
gar story." No sooner had I repeated the 
sentence, " vulgar story," until each of their 
heads was high up, and their eyes glistened, 
fully awake to catch every word of smut 
which was in anticipation. I finished my 
vulgar story, which was reluctantly given, 
but it had its good effect, and my men lis- 
tened to sound logic, which I followed hard- 
up for some time ; however, in about ten 
minutes I saw a vacillation, ar wandering of 
their thoughts, when I immediately related 
another vulgar and laughable story, and again 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 17 

got full attention ; so I continued during the 
evening. When the lecture was over, I 
heard one of them say brusquely to the 
others, " Tom, this is a damn good lecture, 
we'll come again." " I'll bet you," respon- 
ded two others. These six men came every 
week regularly, until I had them weaned 
from rum, tobacco, gross food, swearing, and 
they turned out splendid, noble-hearted and 
whole-souled gentlemen, who have followed 
me for years, and until I was taken to this 
cell; and as I was conducted toward the 
prison, I saw two of them weeping for their 
vulgar lecturer ! Now, then, you howling 
slanderers, where is your wisdom, and my 
malice and obscenity? Better hide your 
soft heads under a bushel. I hope a word 
to the wise will suffice. 



Money is the God of this universe, and 
just so long, and in proportion, as you deal 
honestly with filthy lucre (no matter how 
much you cheat the bodies and souls of men 
out of their real wants, and spit in God's 
2* 



18 PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

face), are you valued by this barbarous, hea- 
thenish, degenerate, sectarian, and political 
age ! Who dare gainsay my Progressive 
Christian doctrines ? 



I do love sincere and zealously pious 
people! There is nothing that can adorn 
the human temple, and make it beautiful, 
even to the blessed image of God, except 
genuine piety ; but this kind of piety is not 
the same kind that is taught in fashionable 
and bigoted sectarian churches, — it is the 
piety which causes the disciple to return to 
truth, nature, God, and Christ. 



If gossipers, sots, epicures, and usurpers 
go to heaven, then I pray to be permitted to 
go elsewhere ; because they would generate 
such smells, sensations, and commotions that 
would, to me indeed, be worse than a decent 
hell' 

Of all contemptible men, he who uses 
religion as a cloak to cover up his vices, 



PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 19 

is the most dastardly of villains ; especially, 
if he has been so lucky or favored, as to pos- 
sess plenty of this world's goods ; because, 
being rich, could afford to be open and 
generous ; however, I forgot that riches are 
only attained and retained by un-Christ-like 
generosity and meanness. 



It is time that the Progressive Chris- 
tianity, as I have given it to the world in 
"All Sides" and "Sense and Nonsense" 
should be embraced, as it will guarantee 
every member against financial, physical, 
and spiritual want. Yea, it will remove 
my property and make it ours ; my God and 
make Him ours; my interest and make it ours; 
my business and make it ours ; in fact, it 
will have but one eye single to God's and 
man's glory, without selfishness entering 
this natural life and Eden gladness ! Black- 
mailing will not be fashionable and respect- 
able then as now, and "Hard Times " come 
no more. 



20 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

Love is like a dizziness, it makes a per- 
son feel so queer that he can't attend to busi- 
ness. That is not original, but the following 
is : — Love is nothing wrong nor queer, but 
makes one feel as if he were full of celestial 
fever, which causes the fine ladies to shiver, 
still they deem it clever, if the right man 
comes to offer it ever ! 



Scientific or perfect piety consists in the 
proper and normal exercise of every in- 
wrought faculty and propensity, so that each 
one performs its own function ; this requires 
an entirely different culture of the body and 
mind to what it gets now-a-days. 



Free-love was well defined by my coun- 
sel, in the honorable court during my moch 
trial. The moral District Attorney bad- 
gered my witnesses, by asking, if "The First 
Progressive Christian Church," of which I 
am pastor, was not a free-love church ? To 
which my counsel answered the insolent 
prosecutor, " If it is a Christian church, it 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 21 

is a free-love church. Its members 
love the truth ; love each other and all man- 
kind, even their own personal enemies. 
They love their neighbors as themselves, 
and the highest evidence of its being a 
Christian church would be in their loving 
freely everybody, good, bad or indifferent, 
wherever man lives throughout God's heri- 
tage. Love cannot be too free. Why, gen- 
tlemen, love is the strongest word in the 
Greek language ; it is the strongest word in 
the Anglo-Saxon ; it is the strongest word 
in the English language, come from what- 
ever source it may. 

" Love will go beyond the prison or gallows, 
it will follow the disobedient son to the low- 
est depths of degradation and vice, it will go 
with him to the scaffold and beyond the tomb. 
It will brave a corrupt public sentiment, 
which to some sensitive souls is more terri- 
ble than the gibbet or the rack. God is 
love, and he that abideth in God, dwelleth 
in love, and that continually ! 

"The District Attornev did not mean love 



22 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

at all. He meant if his was not a free-lust 
church. If you want to find free-lust, do 
not go to a poor, reformatory church, sus- 
tained principally by the minister giving 
nearly all his earnings for that purpose. 
Such churches have to sacrifice enough from 
persecution ; being called fanatics, crazy, and 
their pastors obscene and libellous, without 
sacrificing themselves to lust. No, rather 
go to your rich, aristocratic churches, whose 
ministers travel in Europe at the expense 
of jealous husbands, if you would find/ree- 
lust" 

Brother Kilgore, you hit him about in the 
right place, and no doubt lie (and his like) 
will feel it as long as he lives. I pity and 
forgive him. 



My prison comrades are most lively when 
I feel disposed to go to sleep at night ; they 
consist of little mice, big mice ; little bugs, 
bed bugs, and big bugs, sometimes called 
roaches. They love me better than do the 
Pharisees, because they dance and make 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 23 

merry around my head and body, until, in 
spite of their entertaining hilarity, I drop to 
sleep ; this may be esteemed rude, but it is 
nevertheless my nature to disregard the con- 
duct of many of God's vermin. 



The day has arrived when an accomoda- 
ting Mayor of the great city of Philadelphia 
will issue a warrant upon the receipt of a few 
letters from pious professors, and arrest a 
minister on the Sabbath day in his pulpit, 
when lie had plenty of time and opportunity 
on week days to catch Landis. Something 
peeps up that does not exactly look like fit- 
ness of office, nor greatness of purpose ; but, 
then, it gratified the Pharisees, who claim to 
own earth, liberty, elements, God, and man ! 
Great day. 

A friend writes me, " Every week you 
remain in prison will give you influence 
when you get out — you know this, and 
ought to be content to be a martyr*" 
Firstly, How long must an innocent man 



24 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

remain in a felon's cell to be esteemed a 
martyr? Secondly, Is there any way by 
which I can honorably get out of this before 
my sentence of one year expires ? Thirdly, 
When my year is up, have I enough credit 
and friends to make me up or loan me the 
five hundred dollars to pay the fine, which 
w r as so generously bestowed upon me for my 
foolhardiness to attempt to teach the mar- 
ried people how to prevent diseases, unhap- 
piness, and generate sound babies? I am 
bankrupt in purse, but wealthy in brain, 
thank God ! 

The only difference between orthodox and 
progressive Christianity is, that the former 
saves its members by "faith" no matter 
what they swallow or breathe ; whilst the 
latter knows that "faith " does not change 
poison to food, nor sinfulness to saintship, 
but acts do that chime and harmonize with 
natural law T and godly order ; hence, " good 
works" are the foundation of its members, 
and "faith " turns to a perfect trust in the 
results, without taking drugs or incense! 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 25 

The pious old judge who sat on the bench 
in my trial, at a given point of my counsel's 
argument, interrupted him and said, " Is 
this book on the Secrets of Generation, a 
part of Dr. Landis' doctrines of his church?" 
To which I might here answer his honor, 
that if his parents had observed the fixed 
laws that that book taught, their son would 
have had more sense than to turn the holiest 
function of maternity into ridicule, and es- 
teem it a good joke for a man who sits in 
judgment over his fellows. 



Theke is a holiness in just indignation 
which far surpasses smooth-tongued hypoc- 
risy. 

Some people think they are very smart 
and profoundly wise, when (in total igno- 
rance of a true Physiology) they assert that 
" what you eat has nothing to do with piety 
or Christianity." However, it has everything 
to do with it. First, did not sin come into 
the world by partaking of poisonous aliment; 
3 



26 PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

and, secondly, can a fruit tree bring forth 
perfect fruit that is not fed upon proper earth 
and elements ? Christianity is the fruit of 
the tree,— the developed spirit, — which had 
to depend upon the physical body for its 
completion ! Such people would do well to 
shut pan and save themselves from exposing 
their stupidity and ignorance. 



All the sectarian world says, I am crazy ; 
and I say, all the sectarian world is insane 
or knavish — -and they having the majority 
put me into this prison cell. 



If I could make a slipper out of my 
keeper, I might quietly pass out of this cell 
in my stocking feet. 



People often speak of charitable acts, 
when they most cruelly cheat human nature 
of its vitalizing properties ; for instance, to 
be kind to a spoiled child, thereby encour- 
aging him to go on in his wickedness would 
be cruel, most uncharitable; whereas, to 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 27 

chastise him severely, as good parents do in 
such cases, would be genuine charity. We 
hear of too many acts of charity, that are 
acts of direst cruelty; and many seeming 
acts of cruelty are bona fide acts of charity. 
There is, after all, nothing like wisdom. 



I may be esteemed egotistical by saying, 
that I am confident I have forgotten more 
practical knowledge than the whole w T orld, 
at this age, knows • which again confirms my 
oft repeated assertion, that I esteem all the 
world insane and they return the compli- 
ment, and persecute me for my presumption. 
Should I pray then for a return to fashion- 
able ignorance and bigotry, and join the 
Lord-beseeching and dictating crowd, who 
are either too lazy, blockheacled or rascally 
to serve Him by "good works f " 



It is a pity that thought and meditation 
cannot be worked into some large machine 
whereby the settled laws of God could be 
ground out in tangible bundles, then " seeing 



28 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

would be believing ; " moreover, it would 
have saved Christ, and His true followers, 
from using the pronouns, I, me, and mine so 
much ; which is very nauseating to unwise 
and ignorant people. 



Noxe are so foolish as those who claim to 
be imperfect, and yet are too bigoted or lazy 
to learn even from an enemy. 



Whilst modern education makes a person 
apt in tricks, customs and civilization, it 
nevertheless seems to destroy the natural 
intuitive and appreciative power that God 
ordained for making man wise, good and 
angelic. The more such learning people 
generally possess, the more artificial their 
tastes, habits and ideas. Birds sing, eat and 
breathe without school-training ; because, 
true to instinct; but, made-up and modern- 
ized educated people have no knowledge of 
instinct, intuition or holy spirit, unless it be 
a hankering for money and lust. 



PRISCXS-LIFE THOUGHTS. 29 

It is a popular idea that poor men have 
no souls ; have no right to God's footstool, 
because they do not possess sufficient cunning 
and meanness to gobble up and hold on to 
filthy lucre. Poor fools (?), why should 
they be made happy, being too poverty 
stricken to be genteel ! The Dutchman 
says — Yaw wole ! 

A truly great man will always be willing 
to sacrifice his own comforts to make his 
enemies happy, thus he fulfils the Christian 
injunction to " love your enemies." I feel 
complimented by being able to come up to 
this stand point of manhood, being assured 
that my enemies are so happy at my im- 
prisonment ! I am glad you are delighted, 
which makes us both happy ! 



Some people delight in the miseries of 
others, which deprive themselves of all real 
bliss, as there can be no genuine happiness 
where a brotherly sympathy, and kindly 
aspiration to be good, are lacking. To be 
3* 



30 PRISON -LIFE THOUGHTS. 

happy, act to make others likewise, which 
will secure you the hallowed boon ! 



Modern "Popular Sovereignty" bears 
upon its daily marred banners — " every man 
for himself and the devil catch the hinder- 
most;" which Progressive Christianity re- 
verses, as follows : — God and all mankind 
in unison, and the devil take the selfish 
fellow who tries to get ahead of this natural 
band of the elect or righteous ! 



The narrowest, smallest, meanest mind is 
the one who sees the man or woman in the 
exterior make-up, — dress and fashionable 
fixings, — and neglects to think of the habili- 
ments of the inner man or woman ! 



As God forgives a penitent sinner or 
criminal, and Christ came to save or redeem 
the repentant, why cannot man take a hint 
and do likewise? We reputed criminals 
must be locked up in unnatural, filthy cells, 
whilst our superiors, who should possess more 



PEISOX-LIFE THOUGHTS. 31 

of the attributes of God than we., are this 
moment chiming their Sabbath bells for holy 
worship, whilst we, who most need piety, 
can go unexhorted. This looks a little para- 
doxical. Wake up, old vipers. 



I avonder what verdict and ruling my 
honorable Court, (who condescended to notice 
me in my prerogatives,) would pronounce 
upon natural nudity, were she (the Court) 
dropped down into old Eden, where Adam 
and Eve were naked, and where "wicked 
and lewd passions," such as his honor ac- 
knowledged they possessed, did not exist? 
Can any "Public" or private "Ledger," 
inform the prisoner ; which would be no more 
difficult, than were the predictions of this 
oracle in publishing the " thanks of the whole 
people " for my incarceration. A man must 
truly be great, when the thanks of the whole 
people are bestowed upon him ! And that 
without blackmailing! I am nattered and 
feel jubilant. Try again, Sweet Saints ! 



32 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

If the prisoner's " Prison-Life Thoughts" 
are very brilliant, it mast be attributed to 
the associations of this civilized Monastery, 
and the lessons he has imbibed whilst having 
been drilled in the honorable Court of the 
Quarter Sessions of Philadelphia, Pennsyl- 
vania, U. S. A. 

A few city Councilmen and ladies called 
one day to visit me, one of them, who was 
pretty well filled with tobacco, onions and 
rum, (if his nose, and the great fumes arising 
form his honorable temple are any evidence 
of such a conclusion,) entered my cell, and 
began to read me a moral lesson on my 
impropriety of not having laid by enough 
lucre to avert such incarceration ; said he : 
"A man of your talent ought to have been 
smart enough to have made an immense 
fortune, by which you could have evaded 
this persecution." I was just going to thank 
him, when his finely dressed lady came to 
the cell-gate, and sarcastically said : " Come, 
we must go ; but I guess you think you are 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 33 

in good hands." To which I had the rudeness 
to reply : " Madam, the prisoner will not 
defile the Councilman ; please, be not 
alarmed!" She hastily left, and he soon 
followed. Sich is life. 



Convince people against their wills, and 
against their pockets, and you will make 
the most bitter enemies of the greater pro- 
portion of them ! 

When I hear the Sectarian Church Bells 
chime on Sundays, whilst in this cell, I feel 
like plugging up my ears, like Mephis- 
topheles ; knowing that this class are my 
persecutors, and whilst I am innocently con- 
fined in a felon's cell, they can go into their 
brick-and-mortar churches and pray for 
pardon for their criminal and sinful acts, 
without ever thinking of turning; from error 
to truth. 



A beautiful woman or child is so very 
far above a beautiful horse, bird, or fish, that 



34 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

one should suppose the man who gave advice 
in a little book on the " Secrets of Genera- 
ting " such angelic creatures should not have 
been convicted and sentenced to prison for a 
year, and made pay a fine of five hundred 
dollars, for an " Obscene Libel." The 
Libel should be thrown on the heads of 
those who depreciate and deteriorate this 
race of angels. 

A child that is born and bred in true 
relations to life and is raised in a physically 
and mentally healthful manner, will never 
have " wicked and lewd passions" still, will 
love God, Nature and Man ; and will like to 
gratify the natural desires, as the Creator 
ordained should be the case. But, a child 
that is born and bred in false relations to 
life, and is raised on gross and seasoned food, 
stimulating and narcotic beverages, foul air, 
indolent and constrained habits, will have 
his body and mind full of " wicked and lewd 
passions " and thoughts ! " Unto the pure 
all things are pure," and vice versa. Chew 
on this, ye lewd-thinking vipers. 



PRISOX-LIFE THOUGHTS. 35 

The Apostle Paul was an old dyspeptic, 
whose coatings of his stomach were well 
tanned (by high living) into sole-leather 
tissues, hence water could not be warmed-up 
and absorbed by his leather stomach ; there- 
fore, judging Timothy's organism to be in 
the same petrified condition, he said to 
Timothy : " Drink no longer water, but use 
a little wine for thy stomach's sake." If 
St. Paul had not been a fast Roman, revel- 
ling in highly seasoned food and wines in 
his early life, and would have done as Christ 
commanded, not having "judged" Tim- 
othy's stomach by his own, he might have 
handed down to us a purer and more 
perpetual piety. 

I never shall forget the pomposity of the 
old Judge, when he lectured me, before 
pronouncing his famous sentence upon me. 
He did it with such a gusto ; — but he little 
dreamt of the pity I had for the poor old 
man's memory, in his effort to disgrace an 
innocent man, which future generations will 



36 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

stigmatize as the boldest and most unjust 
ruling of any tyrant that ever disgraced 
public office. The following are his words : — 

"The offence of which you have been 
convicted is one, which, to my mind, is of a 
grievous character. I know nothing which 
of itself tends more to the demoralization of 
society, and to the corruption of pure minds, 
and especially of the young, than a publica- 
tion of the character of which you have been 
convicted. 

" It should be the desire of every one in a 
community like this, or whether the com- 
munity be great or small, to hold the minds, 
not only of the mature, but of the young, 
pure and untainted, and anything which tends 
to break down the natural modesty and 
purity of the human mind is subversive of 
the highest interests of our being;. 

" I think that the law has affixed to the 
offence of which you have been convicted, a 
mild penalty. I know of cases, of civil cases, 
in which it would be my duty, if the law 
warranted it, in extending the term of 



PRISOX-LIFE THOUGHTS. 37 

imprisonment which is provided by the act 
of Assembly • therefore, though I believe it 
my duty to impose upon you the full sentence 
provided by the act of Assembly, still, I feel 
it is but reasonable in itself, 

" Sextexce. — The sentence of the Court is, 
therefore, that you pay a fine of Five Hun- 
dred Dollars, and undergo an imprison- 
ment in the Philadelphia County Prison FOR 
the term of oxe year. 

" Hox. Wm. S. Peirce, Presiding. 
" Philadelphia, January 22nd, 1870." 
He was so sorry that he could not extend 
the penalty ; he told my wife he would like 
to give me $5000 fine and five years 
imprisonment, which was in keeping with 
his ruling out of my lawful evidence, and 
misconstruing the law to the Jury. I saw 
he was sorry that he had not the power to 
pronounce the death penalty upon me. The 
infinite Creator is competent to give him 
justice, if he did not give it to me. It is 
astounding how prejudice will carry some 
men beyond their manhood ! 
4 



38 PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

As an Ex-Judge — O. G. Chase — of West 
Virginia, wrote me after perusing my trial, 
so I have always felt ; he said : " Dr. Landis, 
there is nothing either in your book, 'Secrets 
of Generation? or Trial of which you need 
ever be ashamed. The Court and pros- 
ecuting Attorney have thoroughly disgraced 
themselves." 

The audacity of some rich men is shown 
in my landlord, of whom I have rented a 
public hall for the last seven years, and 
whom I have always paid the rent before it 
was due, except since in prison I owed him 
two months' rent, when he visited me and 
said : " I have not persecuted you any, you 
cannot say that." "Well then," said I, 
"will you please take half cash for your 
rent, until I come out of prison, or wait 
altogether until I come out, and save me 
from sacrificing my printing office." " No, 
sir, I want to be paid up in full, or if you 
give me good security I will wait a w r hile," 
he responded. A fool or miser could a~k 
no more. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 39 

There are too many writers, preachers, 
and lecturers who tell their hearers and 
readers to do right, but don't show them 
how to do it. To tell an apprentice to do 
a piece of work right, without showing him 
how to do it, would undoubtedly be followed 
by botchery. But it is dangerous to give 
the " how" — this how to do right, sent me to 
prison ; because, I told them how to make 
beautiful, sound, and perfect babies, and the 
sensualists considered this " HOW 7 " obscene ; 
hence, my chastisement for interfering with 
customs. If I had left the "how" alone, I 
might have had all sorts of engravings and 
wordings in my book ; but the whole motive 
and object of poor me, was to show ignorant 
people, not holy experts, the" how)" to show 
them how to prevent diseases, unhappiness, 
and make them as happy as God designed, 
besides generating a perfect offspring ! This 
matter is the very chief corner-stone, or fun- 
damental principle of my piety, and I have 
the great law of nature, the Creator, and 
Jesus Christ to back me up in my scientific 
deductions. 



40 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

There are people in this world who think 
they have a perfect right to their own opin- 
ions ; have a perfect right to make (by any 
means) as much money (and retain it) as 
they please ; that heaven and earth, and even 
the air belongs to them (hence they can per- 
fume it with tobacco or anything else) ; that 
they have a sole right to liberty, and the 
concomitant matters and things that are 
found on His footstool, or in the realms of 
bliss above ; all belong to their elect person- 
ages! It would be nice, if they would also 
claim the devil; for verily, methinks, he will 
go for a greater portion of their little souls ; 
if they have not carried off everything, wdiick 
would incapacitate him to heat up his grid- 
irons ! 

What is more charming than to see sweet, 
pure, innocent young people make love to 
each other, such as Miss Jones and myself 
did on papa Jones' old porch on moonlit 
nights? Was it not delicious ? Yes — and 
we never thought of "wicked and lewd pas- 



PRISOX-LIFE THOUGHTS. 41 

sions" such as were quoted, or spoken orig- 
inally by Judge P . " The law pro- 
hibits the publication or sale of anything 
which tends to excite in us wicked and lewd 
passions." He acknowledged to possess such 
wantonness, but we had none of it, had Ave, 
Miss Jones? No, sir. I suppose it is ow- 
ing to our plain living, and simple, natural 
lives in this God-created country ; but man 
makes the cities ; and the habits of these 

fashionable Christians, like Judge P , 

naturally make them artificial and lewd ! 
Yes, that must be it. Oh, what a pity for such 
misled people ! You are right. 



I hear people lamenting and dreading 
old age. Ob, if they only were young again. 
To me this is a puzzle, I long for old age; 
for the sere and yellow leaf; for the gentle 
passage toward the close of a ripe old age, 
mellowing and dying, blessing and blessed ; 
and passing from earthly to heavenly spheres, 
where the angel hosts, and friends and kin- 
dred all, who did not dread old age, will 
4* 



42 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

meet to part no more. It is the most glori- 
ous thought of my life ; and when I reflect 
on my severe labors, trials, and persecutions / 
I rejoice that sooner or later I shall retire 
from this tumultuous world, and go to rest 
amidst the bosoms of the blessed, where Fa- 
ther, Son, and Whole or Holy Spirit ever 
adorn the countenances of the faithful. For 
I dearly love beautiful countenances. 



The best and noblest quality that the 
mind can possess is sincerity; the next to 
this is willingness to learn and obey the 
truth. 

Good and great minds will not strike a 
man when he is down, when he is confined 
in a felon's cell, or after the battle is won. 
Magnanimity enters freely into the composi- 
tion of good metal, which will attract im- 
maculate and lofty conception: 



"/"know nothing outside of myself; there- 
fore, those who know nothing inside or out- 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 43 

side of themselves, must not blame me for 
using "J." - 

Kindness and flattery may excel in 
gaining the goodwill of men and women, 
but they do not claim to be attributes of 
heaven when sprung into existence at the 
sacrifice of truth. 

If you will shut your mouth and open 
your eyes and ears, you may soon learn to 
rise above prejudice; especially, if you 
associate with wise people. Thusly, a " still 
tongue makes a wise head." 



That Physiology which is not able to 
distinguish nourishment from stimulant; or, 
theory from actual knowledge; or, natural 
feeling from wantonness, is a false one, 
however popular it may be with uneducated 
naturalists or sham Christians. A true 
Physiology shows that state of man, in which 
exists a perfectly sound mind, which is only 
found in a fully developed and sound body 



44 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

Toxic and Alterative Medicated Bitters 
operate upon the living skins, tissues, or 
mucous surfaces as the tanner's bark operates 
upon the hides of animals, — they make leather 
out of them, hence no more feeling in them, 
nor growling by the human nerves. This 
kind of logic is a better tonic and alterative, 
if you comprehend it, and shun these petri- 
fying stuffs, (trusting to God and Nature 
when ill, with the injunction to fast and 
pray,) than all the Bitters and Medicinal 
Panaceas in Christendom ! The doctors and 
newspaper men will be indignant over this 
proclamation, because their advertised drug- 
business will go defunct. 



Healthy fruits contain a natural, or 
godly, or God-created, proportion of w T ater, 
nutrition and innutrition needed by the 
human system to keep the blood, nerves, 
bones, flesh, and alimentary canal in a truly 
normal state. There is no other one food 
that does so contain all the component parts 
of an unfallen Adam. Before the fall of 



PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 45 

man, these fruits grew naturally in the 
Garden of Eden, and they were permitted to 
freely, not dyspeptically, eat of them. These 
fruits may be divided into mealy, acid, and 
oily fruits. The mealy make nerve and 
flesh ; the oily, bone, hair, nail, etc. ; and the 
acid cut or dissolve the food and aid in 
separating or secreting the various juices 
of the organism. Each contains a greater 
proportion of water. Allopathy and Secta- 
rianism wide awake. 



I have taught, urged, and almost coerced 
upon the people sound physiological doctrines 
for many years, and have received nothing 
but scorn, contempt, ill-will, and persecution 
for my innovations, that I am getting dis- 
gusted with their ingratitude, but not with 
God's fixed laws of life; and when I get 
again upon terra firma, shall be less zealous 
than I was in former days. If their systems 
can stand all sorts of ignorant abuses, I can 
shut my eyes and grit my teeth at their 
suicidal barbarity ; but, to be compelled to 



46 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

see dear, innocent children suffer from these 
sins is more than I ever could endure and 
hold my mouth shut. 



The majority of persons are too ignorant 
to tell the difference between a scientific, 
wise man and a blustering quack. This is 
another lamentable condition of this civilized 
community. 

Two-thirds of this people claim to be 
rather wise, when they do not even under- 
stand what makes muscles, nerves, or bones. 
They know more of wagons, houses, gold, 
and of fighting one another. 



He is a shallow-pated philosopher who 
denounces Christianity and the Bible, but 
withal quotes the latter to justify his acts, 
and to comfort others. I am acquainted 
with many such. 

He who wishes bond fide happiness, and 
long joyous life, should try and keep his 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 47 

system remodelled by pure air, healthy food, 
fresh water, and an open conscience ; instead 
of preserving or pickling it as if he were a 
dead herring. 

When a woman is once really in love, she 
is the best sticking plaster that w r as ever 
done up. 

Amiability seems to consist, in modern 
days, in white-lies, smooth tongues, and 
flattery. This is the trinity of fashionable 
piety, if " seeing is believing." 



One day, when my two daughters were 
three and five years old, they sat at the 
heater in a cold room, when the oldest was 
explaining what she learned in Sabbath 
school about heaven, — she said to the younger 
one : " Heaven is a nice cool place, and hell 
is a hot burning place." " What," responded 
the baby talker, "did you say heaven was a 
cool place ? " " Yes," replied her sister. 



48 PRISON-LIFE TPIOUGHTS. 

" Then/' said she, shivering, " I'd rather go 
to hell where it's hot, wouldn't yon, Emily?" 



A lady member of my church writes 
me : " If men are to be treated as you have 
been, for doing good, what inducement have 
others to become benefactors; you have 
suffered immensely from persecution for 
years, but this imprisonment excels all?" 
My dear sister, the only inducement others 
will have " for doing good " and becoming 
benefactors, will be an assurance from Christ 
and the Fountain Head of all wisdom and 
blessedness, that we have " fought the good 
fight," and when death sweeps us from 
amongst our persecutors we shall sit amidst 
the throng of the Saints ! 



It seems quite a condescension for even 
dissipated, rude, ignorant persons to notice a 
convict, who is closely confined in a felon's 
cell ; for, of course, the concluding idea 
strikes every one, who gazes at a prisoner, 
that he is a criminal, or a Judge and twelve 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 49 

honest (?) Jurymen would not have sent him 
there ! As for prejudice, in this age, con- 
victing a man who is innocent is beyond 
belief; so then, grin and bear, until your 
time expires, unless the Executive should be 
honest enough to rise above party and 
prejudice and set you free. This is all true, 
but curiously insignificant so long as you are 
not the victim. Wait awhile, may be your 
turn comes next, for you are not safe under 
such tyranny, no matter how pure and 
innocent ! 



What do the people think a person is 
after; or what can be the motives of him, 
who opposes vehemently the useless, abusive, 
false customs of their choice ? He cannot be 
after their influence, nor their money, nor 
their goodwill ; because, to attain such would 
require an opposite course of action. There 
is only one answer to this question, and that 
is, that he has risen above self and bigotry, 
and seeing the perilous condition of society, he 
labors to save them from pain, desolation and 
5 



50 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

damnation, — he is imitating the example of 
Jesus, to heal the sick and teach them how to 
obtain a natural, blissful career here, and a 
sure election to the hallowed realms of eternal 
life ! In Scripture parlance, he is endeavoring 
to teach mankind to "first seek the kingdom 
of God" when all else that is necessary will 
be added thereunto, whether it be lucre, 
raiment, food, or other concomitant of a 
godly life. God understands and loves him, 
because he keeps an eye single or pure to 
the normal welfare of His children ; thereby 
glorifies God ! 

The professed Christian who is afraid to 
die, for fear of going to hell, does not under- 
stand God, neither does he love and live-out 
Jehovah's fixed laws, or this nonsense and 
dread of going into the spheres above would 
be exchanged for love to go hence ! 



A Religious Paper says : " One of our 
correspondents proposes to furnish a few 
articles on Dr. DiehPs comments on Christ's 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 51 

Descent into Hell." Would it not be wiser 
and better if these saints would learn to 
comprehend Christ's practical sermons on 
the mountain, and keep their mouths, 
stomachs, teeth, bones, flesh, nerves, brains, 
and blood clean, and trust the rest to God ? 
Otherwise we fear when they " descend into 
hell," they will be so filthy, slippery, and 
heavy that they cannot rise again, but must 
remain and roast ! 



It is better for a man to cultivate a taste 
for beautiful feminine arms, busts, legs, and 
faces, than for rum, tobacco, gross feeding, 
laziness and indifference to his salvation. 



As much as I am opposed to fighting, I 
am fully convinced that a Prize Fighters" 
have given us better lessons for physical 
development, than gormandizing and sad- 
countenanced ministers, who suffer from 
preachers' sore throats, dyspepsia and con- 
sumption. I advise the latter to use a little 
more fistication. 



52 PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

For a man to get ahead of the age in 
which he lives, is as dangerous as to get his 
hand into another man's pocket; with this 
special caution, that in proportion as he 
makes a large success in drawing a prize, 
will he be less criminal than the presump- 
tuous innovating renegade. 



Whilst half dressed people, and especially 
ladies, will not benefit lewd Judges and 
sensualists, they will nevertheless do a 
mountain of good to pure and innocent peo- 
ple, because the more common a thing 
becomes the less attention and curiosity does 
it excite. Moreover, half the beauty of the 
angelic human form is buried from the sight 
of human eyes, and I cannot conceive how 
our mock-modest and lewd people will be 
able to go either to heaven or hell without 
having the thing indicted as an obscene 
nakedness ! 

A public official has no business to allow 
his prejudices to govern him in his official 



PBISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 53 

acts. A precocious man, by name of Gibbons, 
was the acting Prosecuting Attorney at the 
time of my mock trial, and the way he spread 
himself in exaggerating things against me, 
and insisted upon ruling out lawful evidence, 
was a caution ; my counsel, in his able argu- 
ment in answer to this bombast and unlawful 
bluster, said : " The District Attorney was 
incorrigible. He kept out the truth in 
Winnemore's case, and our client was con- 
victed and executed. I told Wm. B. Mann, 
District Attorney at that time, that the 
sceptre of his power would be taken and 
placed in other hands. I hope the present 
District Attorney (Gibbons) will profit by 
his example." 

Truly my counsel's warning or prophecy 
has been fulfilled. This third day of May, 
1870, I read in the papers that Gibbons has 
been removed from the office; it literally 
belonging to Furman Sheppard, Esq. Mr. 
Gibbons did struggle hard to hold the office 
to which he was not entitled, neither was he 
fit for it. God works in a mysterious manner, 
5* 



54 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

Charley Gibbons. When you seek office 
again, we hope to be about to do our duty 
in getting sound-minded and honorable men 
to fill public offices. Where are the $20,000 ? 



Modern Spiritualism and Orthodox Sec- 
tarianism seem to me, if "seeing is believing," 
to be riding the same hobby to death — ■ 
Spiritualists depend altogether upon the 
Spirits — the etherealized — the gauzy — for 
salvation or happiness, whilst living in real, 
material, earthly life ; and the Sectarians rely 
upon "Faith" without learning and living 
out the laws of the growth and natural 
development of human nerves, bones and 
flesh, whilst travelling over this earth, which 
is the preparatory stage upon which the soul 
or spirit depends for its perfection, its fulness 
of power and grace divine through the 
medium of the body. Why don't they attend 
to this, their right business, of causing 
physical perfection first, when they would 
surely receive the full fruition of their godly 
lives ; whereas, they grabble and dabble with 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 55 

things beyond, before they are prepared for 
the very thing that they blow and howl 
about so much ? It puts me in mind of a lot 
of silly school boys, who would fight about 
things which they could not understand — 
for example, one boy saith to the others: 
" I know a place where apples grow without 
the apple tree." The others respond : " You 
fool, there must be a tree, and a healthy one 
too, before good apples can grow upon it ; " 
finally, they all agree that therQ must be a 
tree first, but it matters not where or how it 
grows ; that it is not necessary to give it any 
attention, all that is requisite is to believe 
in eating the fruit. But we ask — does not the 
fruit often become defective, wormy, or the 
tree grow barren, when the natural soil and 
elements are withheld from its roots, body 
and branches ? Have ye eyes and ears, and 
cannot ye behold your own boogaboo ? 



None so blind as those who choose to be, 
and none so deaf as those who hear with 
both ears open or both shut, either letting 



56 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

nothing in or letting in and out simulta- 
neously. Therefore nothing sticks. 



The New Testament speaks of three 
Baptisms, the Water, Holy Spirit, and Fire 
or Hell Baptisms, each meaning plunged in 
over head and ears, and teetotally covered 
up. The Fire or Hell one gets more by 
double than its share ; "if the court know 
herself, and we think she do." Water 
washes away the physical dirt, opens the 
eight millions of pores, and makes room for 
the Whole or Holy Spirit to enter, if other 
things are equal ; but, when this is not the 
case the Fire in Hell fries out the dirt and 
crisps the body so that the Whole or Holy 
Spirit could not get in, if it would ! But, 
you need not be, any ways, alarmed or 
troubled about the latter, for it does not 
want to go where penitence and sound sense 
do not prevail. The Devil attends to such ! 



The war has ended, and I have mustered 
out the "Sharp-Shooter" because the vie- 



PEISOK-LIFE THOUGHTS. 57 

tory is won, and I am acknowledged King 
amongst Christians ; because, I have had a 
mock Trial, and have been, and am now, 
imprisoned for shooting the hallowed truth 
through old fogy brains until they gave rue 
the prize ! So were the Prophets persecuted 
before us ! This is more truthful than 
poetic. 

The Shakers evidently are the purest 
and best Christians on the globe; having 
"all things common ; " self and filth of 
mind or body do. not enter into their piety. 
A pure, good, honest people ! 



When I get out of prison I must do 
either one of the following things : — First, 
walk straight through the Pharisees and 
giddy, impenitent worldlings ; or, secondly, 
repent and turn hypocrite and fashionable 
thief, tyrant and usurper, for I cannot do 
anything half. It is my imperative nature 
to go the whole figure or die. It would be 
much nicer to be hewn out differently, but 



58 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

as I did not make myself, I have no choice 
in the matter. 

Courting is fine fun, think some people, 
but sour grapes with those who turn it into 
sensuality and frivolity. Let it only be 
done with clear-headed and prayerful con- 
sideration, or you will rue it when it is too 
late. 

There are some people so blasted igno- 
rant that they cannot see how a man can do 
any good except with money. It is money 
that does far more ill than good in this 
world. They look at it as the best friend, 
because they find that with it anything al- 
most that they want, whilst journeying here, 
can be bought; God's law T s and inspiring 
power cannot be reached with filthy lucre, 
and therein lies all good. 



When persons get too bold in villany 
they often find a sudden down-come, even 
from great wealth to extreme poverty. In 



PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 59 

time of health and wealth prepare for sick- 
ness and poverty by storing up in your 
heads a sound understanding of the " laws 
of growth;" "laws of cure/' and "laws of 
nature," on the one hand ; and on the other, 
by establishing a true Christian Treasury, 
where things are held in common by the 
members of the Church ! 



He alone is respectable who respects him- 
self and his Creator ; and who by so doing, 
masters his propensities and learns to mind 
his own business, whilst he does not fail to 
do his duty to his fellows. He is not 
jealous, selfish, penurious, avaricious nor 
malicious ; but is a light to the world, and 
a " paragon of animals ; " and the opposite 
sex soon learns to respect and love that one, 
little short of idolatry, no matter if he never 
wore a suit of broadcloth ; or if he happens 
to be a she, if she never wore horse-hair 
busts, hoops, flounces, silks, satins or Grecian 
Benders, but has simply exhibited a plump 
flesh and blood development, without rouge, 
powder, or muskrat stinks ! 



60 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

In time of prosperity you have hosts of 
friends ; then you do not need them ; but in 
the hour of adversity they " skedaddle " 
like sheep when a wolf is after them. If the 
human race could only be made to under- 
stand and appreciate that as long as a true 
Progressive Christianity is overlooked, and 
there is no union of action in this direction, 
so long it is an unsafe world to bring and 
raise children in. Why will ye be living in 
jeopardy; risking your happiness here and 
hereafter ? Oh ! Repent, dear reader, and 
become an earnest follower of Christ and 
the Truth ! 



Do you seek health, or beauty, or happi- 
ness ? If you do, remember that pure, fresh, 
outside air day and night, and especially 
when sleeping, is the foremost agency in 
God's vocabulary for the retaining and re- 
gaining of these graces. Angels inhabit 
pure air, and Imps foul air. Like begets 
like, without dislike. 






PBISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 61 

To live long, to keep healthy and viva- 
cious, abstain from eating grease (excej3t oily 
fruits), spices, preserved dishes and concen- 
trated varieties; also shun artificial beve- 
rages, drinking pore fresh hot water, at 
meals, if dyspeptically inclined ; and as for 
tobacco and other drugs, throw them to the 
"dogs" and " swine," but even they, if four 
legged ones, will not condescend to touch 
them. "Are ye not much better than they ? 
O, ye of little faith," with all your pious 
blowing about being saved by "Faith." 
Your plum pudding smells strong and is 
not eatable, hence the disregard and distaste 
for Christianity. " Woe unto you Scribes, 
and Pharisees, Hypocrites, for ye devour 
widows' houses, and for a pretence make 
long prayers ; therefore ye shall receive the 
greater damnation ; w and ye proselyte the 
innocent and drag them into filthy and 
poisonous habits, fitting them for hell and 
the devil ! • 

Do you wish to follow the dictates of my 




62 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

persecutors? If so, I will give you the first 
lesson to the dignity of the crowd, which 
travels on the " broad road." 

1. — Marry for lust, money, position or 
spite, but not for Love. Reserve your 
" wicked and lewd passions" 

2. — Hate homely, puny, sickly children, 
but make them, from the first jump in mat- 
rimony, by the wagon load, and blame it on 
God. 

3. — Have family worship regularly and 
let your neighbors know it, then " go it " 
into anything and everything that tastes, 
feels, smells or looks good, with thi3 caution, 
that you have " Faith " in blaming natural 
results that follow ignorance and fashionable 
slopping unto God. 

4.— Feed the babies on anything that is 
palatable and handy, asking no questions 
for conscience' sake; and when they get sick, 
give them drops or pills of some kind, no 
matter which they be, and by the time they 
are six or ten years old they are fine speci- 
mens of stomach dyspeptics, which opens 



I 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 63 

the door to the apothecarys' and doctors' 
pockets ; besides, being mentally dyspeptics 
at twelve or fifteen, which opens the door to 
the parsons and God-dictators, and having 
now started in respectable, modest, fashion- 
able, civilized business-life, all you need do 
is, to trust to, and blame on God the re- 
sults, and follow your own feelings, no mat- 
ter if your " nerves of feeling " are half 
drunk, half dead, half fool, half pickled, 
half befuddled, or entirely defunct, as long 
as a spark of life remains, stir it up with a 
fiery hot medicated poker (Cayenne Pepper, 
Corrosive Sublimate, Potash, or sich), but 
remember, that you blame it all, every bit 
of it, on God ! 



Christ, the truth, or nature, or life, or 
the inner man heals every wound and ill 
that flesh is heir to, provided usable, com- 
patible, natural agencies (not poisons) and 
influences are used to make conditions favor- ■ 
able for the living or Christ-powers to work 



64. PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

upon. Likewise did Jesus and his Apostles, 
as we do, heal the sick without drugs. What 
sectarian church follows the example of their 
Master? Modern Spiritualists claim to 
heal by "laying on hands," but that is a 
small part of the work, so long as they do 
not teach and restrict their patients and sin- 
ners to live upon the pure "fruits of the 
earth for meat." "Laying on of hands" 
may energize the nerves and do some good, 
but to say that it rebuilds or remodels the 
bodily structures, and making them solid 
and sound, without recourse to natural food 
and drink, is as great a farce as Sectarian 
Faith- Talk. You might as well go to the 
weaver, who fills up the warp with silken 
woof, and get the Spiritualist to lay his 
hands on the silken woof, or food, or filling, 
and say, Presto, change into cotton, as to 
say, Swallow pork, grease, spices, tobacco, 
etc., and heal, which means rebuild, or grow 
sound bodily tissues. Have ye eyes ; then 
see and act like men, not fools ? A combina- 
tion of right things will do the work alone ! 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 65 

Every day takes a link out of our 
earthly chain, and instead of your chain 
growing longer, when you transgress natural 
laws, Christian or truthful laws, it gets 
shorter twofold ; that is, by violation of law 
you shorten your days here, and make your- 
self less talented, and in the life to come you 
will have to hunt for centuries in pain and 
misery until you find the lost links, before 
you can be baptized with the Whole or 
Holy Spirit. 

Please, good reader, imagine yourself 
confined in a felon's cell for one year and 
compelled to pay five hundred dollars fine, 
and all to gratify the wrath of a prejudiced 
people, who did not like you to be an honest 
benefactor, as I have proved in Court I was, 
and shall prove to be over and over again, 
if God grants me life, until I get out of this 
place. My poor children and wife need my 
services for support. 



The self-styled moral " Philadelphia Pub- 
6* 



66 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

lie Ledger " gloried that I would have hours 
for "reflection and meditation" during ray 
incarceration, but lamented that I was not 
sent to the Penitentiary; and now I will 
take him at his " glory," and " reflect and 
meditate" honestly aver the acts of the Pro- 
prietor of this oracle, hoping that he will 
pardon me if I shall be compelled to tread 
upon his toes. 

If he is a moral man he would scarcely 
grow so fat in wealth by the earnings of the 
poor, charging (those who can scarcely rake 
and scrape enough money together to keep a 
shanty over their heads and buy a crust of 
bread) twenty to twenty-five cents a line for 
an advertisement, whicli he should give to 
them for five cents a line. IS T o wonder he 
swims in filthy lucre, and builds himself a 
castle costing one hundred thousand dollars ; 
and splurges and shows off now and then in 
a left-handed donation of a few thousand 
dollars to "get glory of men," etc. How 
does my " reflection and meditation" suit 
the man who would not advertise ray lawful 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 67 

business, but could editorially spread false- 
hoods about me after I was in Prison ? This 
is morality and piety at a vengeance ! God 
forgive him, or Hell may burn him, lucre, 
castle, and all to cinders. 

If this " Public Ledger " man had been 
as magnanimous as wealthy, he would not 
have struck a poor, struggling, honest Re- 
former, nor falsely accused him of being a 
"child murderer" after he was down, in 
Prison, and could not defend himself; trying 
thereby to disgrace and injure this innocent 
man and wife, and their defenceless chil- 
dren ! But his peculiar morality allows any- 
thing that money can buy or cover up. 
Such are my u reflections and meditations;" 
whether there is any logic in my deduc- 
tions, I am willing the reader shall decide 
for himself, with this observance — that I 
pity such soft-headed moral fools ! 



Charity begins at home, but where is 
home, sweet, sweet home? In heaven, or 
in true happiness. Then our charities must 



68 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

go all over the land, amongst the nations, 
because a few cannot make true happiness 
on this earth, but many combined in well- 
doing can. This seems a paradox, and in 
opposition to the few who shall only find 
the narrow path that leads to heaven. Yes, 
yes, but you must remember when the 
wicked, hollow, shrivelled spirit leaves this 
mortal coil it is sent to spheres that are 
separated from happy realms, hence they 
can no more chew tobacco and spit the filth 
unto good people, nor puff the vile fumes 
of the hellish weed into purified faces ; 
neither can they contaminate the heavenly 
atmosphere with fashionable perfumes and 
stinks which would render foul and unhappy 
the purest saintly attributes. It is charity 
to all mankind to expose the truth, however 
hard it may hit sinners ! Hypocrisy and 
flattery are not charity, but cruelty ; neither 
is blackmailing to save a scoundrel from 
chastisement a charity, but an injury, be- 
cause it only emboldens him. 



PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 69 

What shall a man do when he is to 
write or speak and is out of ideas, and 
empty of thought ? Well, do as the writer 
now does; write it down, and continue on 
writing down his empty-brain condition, 
and by the time he has exposed it all, may 
be some new thought or idea will present 
itself. But, suppose such is not the case, 
what then ? I hardly know how to answer 
this last question, excepting to be uncivil 
and tell him he is a liar ! — What ! you call 
me a liar ? — Yes, sir.— How dare you be so 
rude? — Oh, my dear fellow, I am only tell- 
ing the naked truth, and I have often heard 
you say that the truth was never rude, but 
should always be told; and have you not 
been writing thoughts and ideas all this 
time that you were grumbling you had 
none? Now, what is all this but a lie? 
Sure enough, I have an idea and a thought — 
and that is, that it is just as civil to call a 
man a liar, when he is one, as to call him a 
saint when he is none. The next time you 
have no ideas or thoughts, just clap your 



70 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

mind upon hypocrites, and you will not 
fail to find mountains of them ! Yaw wole. 



Good nonsense is often better sense than 
what is accepted as common sense. The lat- 
ter is seldom sound sense as the world goes. 
It is but common sense, if I love a beautiful 
damsel, that I should be allowed to embrace 
her, but sound sense says, nay. It is com- 
mon, however, for men to attempt just such 
sense, and they often succeed where sound 
sense cries against the act ; especially if the 
fellow has a good wife and children at home, 
whom he neglects. 



I am in favor of " Woman's Rights," since 
I saw so many pimps in Court during my 
trial. These demons were on the alert for 
every word that had any reference to the 
chaste and loving sex, and the moment they 
w r ould catch a word that could have any 
bearing upon the holiest functions, and most 
vital organs of Mothers, they snickered, 
grinned and laughed. The Judge himself 



PEISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 71 

endeavored to get off several jokes at the 
expense of women, and the District Attorney 
found my book too " filthy and obscene to 
go upon the records of the honorable Court," 
as if sexual organs, and child bearing, and 
womb complaints, etc., etc., were proper 
matters to record in Court. The " Obscenity" 
of the thing was to bring such matters into 
a Court that is composed of " wicked and 
lewd passioned " men, who forget that their 
own mothers were women ; hence, I deem it 
imperative to have such masculine cattle 
driven from Court Rooms and place women 
there, who I am convinced would appreciate 
and comprehend God's mechanism, and the 
concomitant matters of maternity, far better, 
and would not badger female witnesses as did 
that District Attorney and his associates. 
Woman must be the " coming man," or we 
are gone up spout. 



He who interprets the Bible in such a 
manner as to make it conflict with the great 
fixed Law of Nature is a false expounder of 



72 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

Gospel truths, and there is to this day only 
one living man who explains the Scriptures 
scientifically. It is I, presumptuously. 



Why, and at whose pleasure, I was 
arrested. One of the officers who arrested 
me in my pulpit has visited me several 
times since in prison, and he told me that 
if I had remained in my own Hall, in the 
northern part of the city, and had not 
advertised to go to the large central Con- 
cordia Hall, I would not have been arrested. 
Said he : " Mayor Fox got a few letters 
asking him to arrest Dr. Landis, who had 
published several obscene books, and by 
announcement in the papers will preach next 
Sunday evening, on obscene things, in Con- 
cordia Hall ; this man is continually violating 
the law and should be arrested. The Mayor, 
not knowing any better, ordered Mr. Brenieser 
to go to your office and buy a book ; he did 
so ; and on Saturday the warrant was sworr 
out, and ordered by the Mayor to be held 
until Sunday evening, until you would appear 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 73 

at Concordia Hall to preach, where we 
arrested you, and you know the result. But, 
I could never have believed that it would 
result in your imprisonment like this, and I 
believe the Mayor is sorry he ever arrested 

you." 

Yes, w r ell he may be sorry ; or if he is not, 
he carries a tough face. But I forgive him 
for this outrage and persecution ; because, 
God often uses weak tools to bring His 
disciples, and expounders of truth, before the 
people, and persecution does this better than 
anything else, for so persecuted they the 
prophets and good men, who still live in the 
memory of the people with a kindly feeling. 



It has always been a Religious principle 
with me not to look on the dark side of the 
picture ; not to believe that people mean as 
badly as their evil acts show. And I always 
endeavor to find, in my own mind, an excuse 
for sinful and criminal conduct ; therefore, 
when I was told, by friends, after my arrest, 
and previous to my Trial, as also since in 
7 



74 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

prison, that I was " convicted before I was 
tried" I did not, could not, believe that our 
officials were so debased as to trample justice 
under foot. But, alas ! I was disappointed, 
and I am now satisfied that it makes little 
difference whether a person violates the law 
or not, if the Pharisees get a spite at a man 
or woman, he or she goes to limbo. This is 
a " Republic" at two-forty on the plank road 
to hell ! 

They were not satisfied with only impris- 
oning me, but I was not three weeks lodged 
in my cell until they smuggled poisoned figs 
to me; but as I was foully arrested and 
maliciously convicted, I desired to smell my 
way along, hence examined these figs by 
opening them, and there detected, in profusion, 
Arsenic, nicely piled inside of about one 
half of them. No sooner had I announced 
this attempt to poison me than I was very 
roughly handled, seeming to me as though 
some one was highly indignant at my con- 
tinued existence. It is a pity that they 
could not send me hence, for I would rather 
go than stay amongst such sinners. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 75 

The Earth, or Soil, is stimulated, heated 
and forced as much as Man ; hence so much 
mildew, vermin and rotten trash in market. 



" Slave to no sect, but look through 
nature up to nature's God," — my piety to a 
dot, and the only genuine article in existence. 



Whenever a man is rich enough, or 
able in any manner, to run a large establish- 
ment, he is respectable and his acts are not 
criminal, if ever so foul. As examples : — 
To keep a bawdy house as large as the Con- 
tinental or St. Nicholas Hotel is decent ; but, 
if it were some starving widow keeping a 
boarding house for a few persons, whose 
actions and business she would not dare to 
question, if ever so questionable, for fear of 
losing her little, mean income, her gossiping 
neighbors and city detectives would soon 
report her as a criminal. 

Again, a man may keep a little shanty 
where persons play games for pennies and 
he will be arrested, whilst a Bank President 



76 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

or wealthy Broker can gamble and cheat the 
innocent out of tens of thousands and be a 
" bull " or a " bear," who is lionized as a 
generous, philanthropic millionaire. 

Still, again, a man may devote his all to 
alleviating the sufferings of the distressed ; 
whilst a mean, miserly minded "swine" 
may grab and reserve all he can get honestly 
and dishonestly for himself, and when these 
two oppositely disposed persons are brought 
before the world, or* before a Tribunal of 
Justice, the rich miser will be lauded for his 
manliness, whilst the philanthropist is 
esteemed a criminal and " obscene" wretch. 
So you pharisees go ; but, God and good 
sound minded men detest the injustice and 
stupid prejudice and rascality of such conduct ! 



There are a hundred tears shed in the 
Theatres, whilst one is squeezed out in Sec- 
tarian Churches ; unless it be the gall-tears, 
caused by being indignant at Theatre-goers. 
A good Theatre is better than a bigoted 
Church any day. 



PKISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 77 

I have had nothing but opposition since 
I have been a baby. I have had to fight 
against kindred and strangers in my zeal 
to bring about the greatest Reformation 
that man ever was engaged in ; but " these 
things moved me not," for I was intuitively 
urged to go on in what I knew was right, 
if all the world disowned and despised 
me ! I have done so, and I have nothing at 
all to regret, whilst I was true to my inner 
man. I have been rich and poor in worldly 
wealth, but I alwavs felt more contented and 
happy when I did not own a penny, but was 
able to earn daily bread for myself and 
family. This imprisonment however takes 
me away from my business; hence my beloved 
family must suffer for the necessaries until I 
shall be free again to serve them. It is no 
trouble to make lucre. 



Whex haughty and cowardly pharisees 

once get their over-awing-power on you, 

they are, like all tyrants and usurpers, cruel 

and brave; but the moment they find an 

7* 



78 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

overwhelming open enemy, they slink away 
like whipped curs, and dissemble and 
whimper like innocent lambs. No wonder 
Jesus despised their ways : we ditto ! 



Judge Chase writes me : " Dr. Landis, — 
Shame will visit the Judge in his grave, who 
occupied the bench during your trial. He 
acted as Court, Prosecuting Attorney and 
Jury. I would rather be a Dr. Landis, than 

a Judge . Pray for his conversion, 

and forgive the man who disgraced himself 
and his office." I freely forgive him, and 
I hope God will have mercy on him, as he 
needs it. 

When a scoundrel in office commits a 
crime, violates the law in his official capacity, 
and inflicts the penalty upon his fellow r s, 
which by right belongs on his shoulders, he 
chuckles and glories in his villany, and 
assumes a virtue that insults every angel in 
heaven and good man on earth ; whereas the 
imps join him in his delight. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 79 

It actually seems to be the delight of 
this people to make one-another unhappy, 
instead of loving one-another ! 



The piety which fears that open discussion 
will draw its followers away from it, is rotten 
to the core. Piety, to be sound, must rest 
in the bosom of truth, and the more you 
agitate and stir it, the more brilliant it 
becomes, because it is a precious jewel ; but, 
if- that piety is simply a cloak, or make- 
believe, and you stir it, it will be like unto 
filth, the more agitated the more it will stink. 
Vulgar but lofty truths. 



It is a very incomprehensible matter to 
me, how our most refined, fastidious and 
sanctimonious professors of Christianity can 
object to the use of plain, vulgar or common 
language. Jesus used no other, and he did 
not hesitate in calling a liar — a liar. And 
he often used such words as stink, fool, 
viper, hell, damnation, hypocrites, pharisees, 
circumcision, womb, whore, dog, swine, 



80 PEISOX-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

eunuch, fornication, open act of the same, etc. ; 
but, when I used such words to illustrate 
scientific physiological law, they arrested 
and convicted me for an " Obscene Libel." 
Do not these acts of my enemies crucify the 
Christ — the truth — by such persecution, and 
stamp me a true follower of Jesus ? Certainly. 



I am not opposed to Theatres, but if Jam 
guilty of " Obscenity," then are all our 
actors and theatre-goers guilty of the same 
offence ; and they are the most guilty, because, 
they indulge in sensual sights and for mere 
gratification purposes, whilst my motive and 
acts were to cause people to enjoy life 
naturally, and thereby benefit the race, 
without any wantonness or lust about it. 
Consistency, thou art a jewel, but art in 
modern days wofully abused. Do these 
remarks fit any of my persecutors ? If so, I 
hope they will have more charity for me, 
and give honor and justice where it is due. 



Any ignorant person thinks he has as 
good a right to give his opinion on topics of 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 81 

health, morality and piety as a strictly 
scientific mind ; who has devoted a long and 
entire lifetime to studying the same. There- 
fore, it is really no credit for any one to 
sacrifice himself for the good of humanity, 
because, the untutored ignoramus is as soon 
believed as the sage and philosopher; the 
people themselves do not take sufficient 
interest in these matters of body, soul and 
spirit to become competent judges who is 
wise or unwise ; hence, an innocent Reformer 
may be mistaken for a criminal. 



Truth would be popular and acceptable 
in any guise, if it would fill the pocket with 
gold and elect the inksuckers and pharisees 
into Moses' seat. But, as the contrary is 
the case, the expounders may look out for 
squalls, if they get too bold in its promul- 
gation. 

You will believe me, almost to a man, if 
I truthfully* assert that I came very near 
poisoning my prison-keeper and two "run- 



82 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

ners." This would have been an awful 
crime, I admit. Don't you think so? And 
you believe me guilty in my mind to com- 
mit this act; but, when I tell how it would 
have occurred, if I had not been detecting 
the matter, you will not believe me. This 
is the way: — Poisoned figs having been 
smuggled into my cell, for myself to swallow 
and die on ; but, as I had often handed my 
keeper and two prison-runners some of my 
edibles, I was about dealing out to them 
these poisoned figs — and had already knocked 
at the cell door for them to come and get 
them, when they did not come immediately; 
in the meantime I opened the package and 
thought I would eat a few, but opened them 
and thus discovered the poison. Hence 
burned them. 

There is a certain stage of some men's 
lives, when they should be brave enough to 
become egotistical. It is at that period 
when they have become masters of their 
business. But, before they have reached the 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 83 

acme of perfection in their vocations, they 
should be modest, willing to learn even from 
a fool or enemy ; in fact, the latter is the 
only way, in modern days, that any one can 
become master of his business. Jesus never 
gave an opinion, because he was truth per- 
sonified, and he always said, I am the way, 
and the life, and the truth, etc. Truth is al- 
ways egotistical, and so are truly good and 
great men ; the soft blabber of the ignorant 
worldling and pharisee to the contrary not- 
withstanding. There are too many erroneous 
opinions polished up by charlatan Editors, 
Authors and Preachers, that ought to be 
torn to flinders, when a healthier intelligence 
would rule the land. Piety does not con- 
sist of opinions. 

It is a pity that the Sabbatarian Phari- 
sees cannot induce God to stop the grass 
from growing on their holy Sabbath Day. 
And above all, for God to let such immense 
hail fall as this Sabbath Day fell, is shame- 
ful ; that is, if Sabbatarianism is correct. 



84 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

My persecution was sprung upon me with 
great force, when I began, about six years 
since, the agitation of the Sunday City Car 
Question. I preached, lectured and wrote 
in favor of our street cars running on Sun- 
days, until I got them to run, and this was 
the first fire which I kindled in the sweet 
bosoms of the Sabbatarians ; but, since the 
cars run, they all ride in them; however, 
they forget to thank me for forcing this 
Christian charity and convenience upon 
them. They are short-sighted and short- 
meraoried. These are the lambs who con- 
spired to arrest and imprison me. 



Christians should not become persecu- 
tors, nor tormentors ; but, they ought to be 
the saviours of the fallen, and forgiving the 
penitent sinner, as God forgave them when 
they became Christians ! Is this sound 
logic; does it chime with the teachings of 
Christ, Truth and sound sense, or is it vague 
and valueless ? Saints of Sectarianism, will 
you be kind enough to answer me through 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 85 

your oracle, the "Philadelphia Public Led- 
ger?" I am a poor convict, and wish to be 
converted to the genuine Gospel ! 



Feelings change with the change of 
bodily structures. A person who feeds on 
Eden Fruits will think and feel naturally, 
hence, godly. A person who feeds on a 
plain animal and vegetable diet, will think 
less and feel more than is strictly natural. 
And a person who feeds on a highly sea- 
soned, concentrated, gaily barbecued, and 
chiefly animal diet, does not think at all, he 
only feels; and that feeling is unnatural, 
barbarous and swinish. The latter prefers 
plenty of money, to be able to buy plenty 
of sensual food, and neither scruples at, nor 
detests, plenty of women ; and pays preachers, 
doctors and lawyers to do his thinking, 
but he is sure to do all his own feeling! 
And very sickly and lewd be it. 



The devil loves to be genteel, smooth- 
tongued, oily and sleek, because these are 

8 



86 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

the best baits that he can use in angling in 
this terrestrial pool of corruption and mock 
modesty. He finds that they bite so well 
with these baits that he sometimes gets tired 
out with handling the hosts of suckers that 
so greedily swallow the dainty bites. 



My Prison-keeper thinks that my "scrape 
I got myself into, by getting into prison," 
will injure me so much that I wont be able 
to do any business, or draw any audiences, 
for years to come. We'll see about that, 
when I get out and about again. My idea 
is otherwise, but I may be mistaken ; there 
is no telling. 



■*&• 



My enemies were really so ignorant as to 
have supposed that a mock trial and mali- 
cious imprisonment would disgrace me so as 
to cause my ruination ; but, I will handle 
them in such a manner for this outrage as 
to astonish their ignorance and impudence. 
With their equals this will hold good, but 
I consider it a vice to have their good will, 
and therefore care not for it. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 87 

A majority of a small minority is suffi- 
cient for one man to desire for a successful 
reform ; in fact, the majority of a small mi- 
nority of good and wise people is equal, if 
not superior, to the great majority of the 
whole nation. Few popular men ever re- 
ceive the plaudits of a greater number ; if 
they do, they are cfeformers, instead of re- 
formers ; because the devil has already se- 
cured by far the great majority. 



It will always be found by close obser- 
vation that the roughest men have the best 
and warmest hearts; because they can ap- 
preciate as well as depreciate ; and embrace 
good as well as deface ill ; and drink-in as 
well as throw-out ! They are like good 
fruit trees, having the roughest side outside, 
whilst pure sap, milk and honey run 
throughout every blood vessel, which deposit 
an excrement that forms the bark, protect- 
ing the inner life against the contaminations 
of foreign things ! Nature herself is rough 
and smooth betimes. 



88 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

Lot's daughters made their father drunk 
and had intercourse with him, to continue 
the seed of his loins; each of them had a 
baby by her father. If I should even print, 
much less advocate, or do such an act, I 
would be arrested by Mayor Fox, indicted 
by a low and lewd Grand Jury, and in less 
than a week be sentenced to one year im- 
prisonment and five hundred dollars fine for 
an " Obscene Libel ; " still, the old Bible, 
which relates the above story, is read in 
boarding schools, where Judge Peirce wanted 
" Secrets of Generation " to be proper to be 
read, or be esteemed " Obscene." Highflying 
consistent pressure, this is, or I am a fool. 



I have just discovered that I have 
picked up involuntarily that delightful, 
lively, wide-awake malady, in vulgar par- 
lance called the "Itch" I can soon cure 
myself of it, if my boss will permit me to 
take a daily alcoholic sweating, but I guess 
he wants me to take drugs, prescribed by a 
little huge smoke-pipe doctor, who belongs 
to this celebrated hotel. Who is a butcher. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 89 

I AM promised to be let loose next Sat- 
urday, May 14th, 1870; but, whether or 
not such will be the case, depends altogether 
upon the honor and feelings of Governor 
Jno. W. Geary. I hope he'll never get out 
of his gear until he ungears me. 



My page, as well as my time, is drawing 
to a close, and as the last part of a speech 
should always be best, I hope some very 
bright " Prison Thoughts " may finish this 
stupid lot of expressions, which I have put 
down as they flitted through my brain. I 
never profess to possess any wit, but solid 
grit. _ 

I asked Mr. Perkins, the Superintendent 
of this honorable prison, to allow me to give 
myself a few alcoholic vapor baths for the 
"Itch" which the filthy place inoculated me 
with, but he refuses to grant my request, 
and thinks (in fact, says) his doctors must 
treat me ; he is determined to drug me, but 
Til die first. One of his M. D.'s sucks the 
8* 



90 PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 

nastiest big pipe all the time around prison, 
which is more against the law than to grant 
me the privilege to treat myself. Mr. P. 
thinks he owns this shanty. I think he 
better have a successor very soon. His sec- 
tarian disposition should not domineer. 



It is as easy to find fault as kiss a tame 
lass ; but sometimes very provoking to find 
the devil has been flirting with you. 



Human beings have "souls" (but they 
mean Spirits) " to save" is an old saying ; 
however, brutes do *not have "souls to 
save;" still, the way farmers and breeders 
of brutes select the best blooded stock to 
breed young cattle and care for them, by 
feeding the brutes upon material that they 
hww makes good blood, is lawful and 
chaste; whilst human beings, who have 
" souls to save," can be born and bred un- 
der the influences of lager beer, rum, tobacco, 
trash for food, foul air, indolence, mental 
and physical constraint, mock modesty, 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS. 91 

hypocrisy, ignorance, fashion and folly; cap- 
ping the sweet climax by convicting the 
man, as an " Obscene Libellist," who incul- 
cates equal care upon rational as irrational 
creatures. Swine, thou art glorified, and 
thy offspring continues in his swinishness ; 
but man, thou flappest also into swinish- 
ness, and thereby losest thy manhood, thy 
beauty, thy godly attributes, and seest filth 
in the fixed law of thine own Creator; be- 
cause thine eyes are lagered, smoked, brined, 
peppered, drugged, preserved, pickled and 
dirty ; hence, thy brain is befuddled and thy 
intellect is barren, whilst thy morality and 
piety lies in thy stomach and still lower 
down. Thou art a sensualist, " wicked and 
lewd passioned " lout. Good-bye, my best 
wishes to thee, and my prayers for thy par- 
don ; thou needest it badly. 



AD VEB TISEMENTS. 93 

DR. S. M. LANDIS' 

No. 13 North Eleventh St,, above Market, 

THIZj13)JEJZTIIIjL, TA. 




The Physiological Expert is capable of treat- 
ing all kinds of diseases, that flesh is heir to, with 
equal success; at least, I have been so blessed 
in an extensive practice of twenty years. How- 
ever, I have treated more sexual diseases by far 
than any other kind, owing probably to the 
fact, that I have continually lectured on private 
sexual matters for twenty years ; but, I will 
wager any amount that my success will be 
equally great in consumption, or any other com- 
plaint. Let all sick people, of either sex, 
who have failed to be restored to health after 
they have exhausted everything else, consult 
me, and I will be honest and candid with 
them ; if I cannot do anything for them, I will 
say so, but if I decide a case curable, I warrant 
to eradicate the malady. 



94 AD VEE TISEMENTS. 



ADMINISTER NO INTERNAL DRUGS. 

1. The Hygienic Agencies and Influences 
I rely upon for growing the bodily structures 
sound are : Animal Magnetism, Pure (Oxygen- 
ated) Air, Water, Sleep, Natural Food, Light, 
Eest, Exercise, Temperature, Clothing, and the 
regulation of the Passions. 

2. The Medical Agencies of my own inven- 
tion, and secured by Letters Patent, consist 
of my Improved Turkish Bath; Compound 
Electro-Magnetic Equalizer, and Compound 
Organic Syringing Apparatus. 

3. The Surgical Appliances are the most 
improved extant. 

MEDICAL CONSULTATION OFFICE HOURS, 

By myself, every week-day, 7 to 11 a.m., and 
Monday and Thursday Evenings, 5 to 8 o'clock, 
at above place. 

Improved Turkish Bath, only 50 cents 
each. For males, open 6 A. M., to 10 p. m., and 
Sundays 6 to 10 A. M. For females, separate bath 
and open by a lady superintendent from 7 A. m., 
to 5 p. M., only on week-days. 

Assistant Physicians in Institute all the time. 
Medical Consultation by letter strictly confi- 
dential. Letters must have return stamp en- 
closed or no notice will be taken of them. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 95 



DE. LAMMS' BOOKS. 

Secrets of Generation (that caused 

his imprisonment), sold sealed, . $1.00 

Sense and Nonsense, on all topics 

concerning Human Affairs, . . 2.00 

Health Cook Book, 1.00 

Key to Love; The Science of Fasci- 
nation, * . . 25 

Key to Heaven, . 10 

Private Lectures on Courtship 

and Marriage, etc., .... 25 

Prison-Life Thoughts. Paper, . 40 
Cloth 75 

Sold by all News Dealers and Book Stores, 
or will be sent pre-paid upon receipt of price 

Address all orders and letters to 

DR. S. M. LANDIS, 

13 NORTH ELEVENTH STREET, 

PHILADELPHIA. 



Dr. Landis 9 Lecture- Room and College 

are in the same building, at 13 N. 11th St., 
Phila., where he lectures every Sunday at 7.30, 
and Tuesday Evening at 8 o'clock, on Reformed, 
Illustrated Physiological and Medical Subjects. 



96 ADVERTISEMENTS. 



Students of both sexes educated by his ShorU 
Hand System, as expert practising Physicians 
and Surgeons, also Eights of the Improved 
Turkish (Portable) Bath for sale, with or with- 
out the Electro-Magnetic Equalizer, and Com- 
pound Organic Syringing Apparatus. 

K. B.— Private instruction given to married 
or marrying men and women to prevent the 
function of too rapidly increasing and multi- 
plying. My means, are infallible, natural and 
instead of being injurious, are beneficial to the 
health and beauty ! All married people should 
be perfect masters over these matters, bogus 
enactments to the contrary notwithstanding. 



THE END. 



PRISON-LIFE THOUGHTS! 



SIMOX M. LMDIS, M.D., D.D., 

THE PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIAN AND PRACTISING REFORMED HYGIENIC 
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, AUTHOR OF NUMEROUS BOOKS. 



Written during his confinement in the Philadel- 
phia County Prison, for Publishing his 
Great Scientific Physiological Book, 



"THE SECRETS OF GENERATION!" 



Editors are welcome to quote these ''Thoughts" 
by crediting them to Dr. Landis. 



PUBLISHED BY 

"LANDIS PUBLISHING SOCIETY." 

No. 13 NORTH ELEVENTH ST., 

PHILADELPHIA, PA. 



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